Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.