At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%