My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
We decided to have money instead of children.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….