*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
They grow up so quick
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.