“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
You Might Also Like
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Order here:
More here: