The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Holy moly
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.