Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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This made me smile…
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I really had high hopes for this year though
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
How high do the levels go?