Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You Might Also Like
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My first child will be named New Folder.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”