Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.