I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.