I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
August 8
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this