Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…