Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
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My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Social Media and Real life
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.