my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
not for long
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!