My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to