I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Why I divorced her.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.