I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect