boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
do horses think humans are hats
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
whenever i wake up before my alarm
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?