I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it