You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“No way.” -Jose
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.