Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.