My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
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The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing