I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….