If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
oppen heimer style lol
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”