[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I really had high hopes for this year though
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?