I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.