ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Gemma Correll
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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