TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
definitely did not do anything wrong
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”