My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
when u come home smelling like another dog
This classic never gets old . . .
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Bless you
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap