Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Day 2 of my diet
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Ken is short for chicken
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
This trial is so absurd 😭