[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.