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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.