I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Lube but for my dry humor.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
me doing my best
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…