If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…