My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
You Might Also Like
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.