Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Breaking news:
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”