her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”