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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”