The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You Might Also Like
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Ok but actually
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out