And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The human personality is made of five key elements
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.