I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this