interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.