[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Lassie, get help!
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Lmao
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)