“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake