Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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But that’s none of my business
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.