Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
What about a To-Don’t List?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW