Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy