All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
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Every. Damn. Time.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.