One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.