Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Aight bet
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Lol
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher